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Entry tags:
spiritual undercover agent
[ polishing and expanding on this thread ]
Now let me be an annoying queer Catholic for five minutes.
Like every Sunday, I went to mass this morning. Like every Sunday, I sang in the choir and I followed the celebration and I prayed as best as I could, which is something that doesn't come easily to me for a number of reasons, but I still do because that's what I believe in. Then, during the sermon, the priest said something along the lines: "If people these days live as if God was unimportant, it's all society's fault".
In context, it sounded like 'the people in this church at this moment are the only people who care about God' and 'whatever are we gonna do about those sinners who don't go to church on Sundays?' and also 'we're not part of society because we're the Church of God'.
Try identifying as someone that your people famously consider a one-way ticket to Hell. You're sitting among them, listening to that same sermon, singing in the choir next to them, and they don't know about that part of you. Would they be as happy and welcoming as they are, if they knew?
It's not because of the Church if I still believe in God. Some days it feels like a fucking miracle in itself. Sure as fuck I didn't retain my faith thanks to those who are supposed to be 'my people'.
I've heard things like, "It's better than it used to be, now. Many Christians accept gay people, now."
Yeah, maybe. Or maybe not. In my experience, some people are tolerant; it usually means that they still wish we didn't have this 'lifestyle', but they'll pray for us to change (more or less in our faces). Genuine acceptance is rare, and it usually comes from people who aren't too invested in the whole faith thing or people who are insiders in the queer community in one way or the other. Then there are those who can't accept it in any way - and I feel like I don't thank God enough for having kept me safe from them all this time.
My church is the very first community-type reality I've ever been part of outside of my own family. By nature, I am not a social person and I am not a spiritual person (I tend to rationalize too much), so it's been an important stepping stone for my life. I eventually built other social groups, closer to my interests and (hah) lifestyle, but it still represents a spiritual landmark because almost none of my close friends live faith the same way I do.
I can't out myself to these people without playing the Tolerance Schroedinger. Will I get a rejection? Will I get open pity for my poor sinner soul? Will I get a show of acceptaince while they're mentally signing themselves? Will I get indifference because it's 2019 and we don't discriminate our siblings because of their sexual and gender expression? Will I get an exorcism? Who the fuck knows.
Even among peers, I cannot be 100% sure I'm safe. I remember being terrified when I saw people I knew on the bus while I was with my girlfriend. What if they understood? What if they gossiped about it?
I believe those who find out to be queer jump ship after the latest sacrament, or just before. They don't go to church not because they're lazy or they think that God is unimportant, but because of this fear. They won't feel accepted anyway, so why bother?
I don't know if my priest knows about this kind of thing. It feels like too foreign a concept for him to grasp, especially as he speaks of society as something ruled by evil and superficial values. Does he know what the Church feels like in the eyes of my queer siblings?
I was blessed with a liberal catholic mother who is open and understanding. She doesn't know I'm NB but she knows I'm not straight. She listens to me when I express my fears about this topic. I told her about a church of queer people in our city, where people like me gather and pray and form a community, and she was surprised and saddened because she realized that it exists because other churches aren't safe spaces for them. I hear of people rejected and abused by their churches because of who they are and I realize how blessed I was to have her. Maybe I'm so afraid because she set the bar too high.
I lost faith in the Church as institution ages ago, but I think I really lost my nerve when I saw bullshit happening even at a capillar level. It feels like I'm playing an undercover secret agent game when I talk to people I used to think of mentors and life models; every fracture is slow healing, I keep reminding myself that the pain I feel every time I feel my beliefs crumble is the sign that they're still teaching me something - I wish I wasn't learning by contrasts now instead of by examples.
So yeah, sure, fuck non-Christian society for being so consumerist and materialist, but be fucking critical of Christian society, too. Because just because people don't come to church doesn't mean they aren't our siblings. Nobody deserves to be rejected by a reality that proclaims itself as being based on unconditional love.
Now let me be an annoying queer Catholic for five minutes.
Like every Sunday, I went to mass this morning. Like every Sunday, I sang in the choir and I followed the celebration and I prayed as best as I could, which is something that doesn't come easily to me for a number of reasons, but I still do because that's what I believe in. Then, during the sermon, the priest said something along the lines: "If people these days live as if God was unimportant, it's all society's fault".
In context, it sounded like 'the people in this church at this moment are the only people who care about God' and 'whatever are we gonna do about those sinners who don't go to church on Sundays?' and also 'we're not part of society because we're the Church of God'.
Try identifying as someone that your people famously consider a one-way ticket to Hell. You're sitting among them, listening to that same sermon, singing in the choir next to them, and they don't know about that part of you. Would they be as happy and welcoming as they are, if they knew?
It's not because of the Church if I still believe in God. Some days it feels like a fucking miracle in itself. Sure as fuck I didn't retain my faith thanks to those who are supposed to be 'my people'.
I've heard things like, "It's better than it used to be, now. Many Christians accept gay people, now."
Yeah, maybe. Or maybe not. In my experience, some people are tolerant; it usually means that they still wish we didn't have this 'lifestyle', but they'll pray for us to change (more or less in our faces). Genuine acceptance is rare, and it usually comes from people who aren't too invested in the whole faith thing or people who are insiders in the queer community in one way or the other. Then there are those who can't accept it in any way - and I feel like I don't thank God enough for having kept me safe from them all this time.
My church is the very first community-type reality I've ever been part of outside of my own family. By nature, I am not a social person and I am not a spiritual person (I tend to rationalize too much), so it's been an important stepping stone for my life. I eventually built other social groups, closer to my interests and (hah) lifestyle, but it still represents a spiritual landmark because almost none of my close friends live faith the same way I do.
I can't out myself to these people without playing the Tolerance Schroedinger. Will I get a rejection? Will I get open pity for my poor sinner soul? Will I get a show of acceptaince while they're mentally signing themselves? Will I get indifference because it's 2019 and we don't discriminate our siblings because of their sexual and gender expression? Will I get an exorcism? Who the fuck knows.
Even among peers, I cannot be 100% sure I'm safe. I remember being terrified when I saw people I knew on the bus while I was with my girlfriend. What if they understood? What if they gossiped about it?
I believe those who find out to be queer jump ship after the latest sacrament, or just before. They don't go to church not because they're lazy or they think that God is unimportant, but because of this fear. They won't feel accepted anyway, so why bother?
I don't know if my priest knows about this kind of thing. It feels like too foreign a concept for him to grasp, especially as he speaks of society as something ruled by evil and superficial values. Does he know what the Church feels like in the eyes of my queer siblings?
I was blessed with a liberal catholic mother who is open and understanding. She doesn't know I'm NB but she knows I'm not straight. She listens to me when I express my fears about this topic. I told her about a church of queer people in our city, where people like me gather and pray and form a community, and she was surprised and saddened because she realized that it exists because other churches aren't safe spaces for them. I hear of people rejected and abused by their churches because of who they are and I realize how blessed I was to have her. Maybe I'm so afraid because she set the bar too high.
I lost faith in the Church as institution ages ago, but I think I really lost my nerve when I saw bullshit happening even at a capillar level. It feels like I'm playing an undercover secret agent game when I talk to people I used to think of mentors and life models; every fracture is slow healing, I keep reminding myself that the pain I feel every time I feel my beliefs crumble is the sign that they're still teaching me something - I wish I wasn't learning by contrasts now instead of by examples.
So yeah, sure, fuck non-Christian society for being so consumerist and materialist, but be fucking critical of Christian society, too. Because just because people don't come to church doesn't mean they aren't our siblings. Nobody deserves to be rejected by a reality that proclaims itself as being based on unconditional love.
no subject
The speck-plank problem is definitely a prevalent one, especially in those places that want to hold themselves apart from the world and say they're not really like that, that they're better or holier than that.
Solidarity, and a hope that within our lifetimes that all religions learn how to do their unconditional love correctly so nobody has to be afraid or to leave because they're not welcome.
no subject